


episode s01e01; columbus, ohio.

by BigScaryDinos



Category: Black Mirror, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, Black Mirror - Freeform, Black Mirror AU, Bottom!Tyler, Boys In Love, Dead People, Depression, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Roadshow World Tour, Episode: s03e04 San Junipero, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Kissing, Love Triangles, M/M, Making Out, Non-Graphic Smut, Ohio, Past Relationship(s), Recreational Drug Use, Sad with a Happy Ending, Tags Are Hard, Tags May Change, Technology, Timeline What Timeline, Top!Josh, Van Days
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-03-15 09:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13610784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigScaryDinos/pseuds/BigScaryDinos
Summary: I saw some people on tumblr asking for a twenty one pilots / black mirror crossover type story. I wanted to help.ORTyler finds out heaven is a place on Earth in Columbus Ohio in 2017, or is it 2011?





	1. the Schott

**Author's Note:**

> this is going to be my valentine 2018 / February fic. (no promises it'll be done by v-day). nobody ever said which part of black mirror they wanted, so who knows? Maybe I'll continue this serious with other episode themes. Rating may go up in future chapters. Feedback = love. no spoilers if you already know the episode!

 

When Tyler opens his eyes he's in a greenroom in his underwear staring at his outfit all laid on the thrift store couch in his room. He's alone and he can hear it, the before show buzz. It's inside his head and all around him like oxygen. It's a film that covers his skin. He remembers it all. Everything falls into place slowly.  It’s been a while. A long while, but it all still fits just like a glove. The way the red suit jacket fits him. The feel of the layers, tank top - tee shirt - button up - suit jacket - tie. It all flows together to make his easy going river he always gets caught up in. It’s been a long time though. Like riding a bike it only takes a few moments to get it right.  He forgets his balaclava inside his room. It doesn't matter much.

 

There's a knock on his door and he isn't sure he wants to open it. He knows why he's here, knows who it would be but it stills makes his knees feel weak. It's like going on a date that's been years overdue. He feels silly in his outfit. He knows he has a ticking time limit, he can sit in here with the door shut and imagine possibilities and never come back if he wanted to. He takes four long steps and opens the door.

 

Josh is standing there, his eyes smeared red and part of it is eye-shadow and part of it might be pot and part of it might be tears. Or all of it. It was always a combination of those three and Ty isn't sure why it would be different now. He smells like Jasmine and Rose and that's something new. This strong floral scent that he gets when he looks at Josh. He thinks there must be something about the air here. Maybe it's just Josh. They don't speak, just look at each other and Tyler doesn't want to make the first move even thought he wants to run to him and feel that he's real. Tyler checks his shoes and socks and his fly because he isn’t sure what else to do. Josh stands there and looks at him.

 

They can faintly hear cheering. Faintly means it’s so loud it can level a city block if it went unchecked. It’s coming through dozens of walls of sound proofing. It’s still coming in. It's the reason for the buzzing all over him like a million flies inside his body.

 

“Was it always like this?”  Tyler can’t meet Josh’s eyes. If he said hello he would just start crying.

 

“I mean, that’s how I remember it.” Josh replies because he knows the tears will start back up if he said anything else.

 

“I can’t even think.” Tyler says, and it’s like they get louder. Neither moves but both feel the tug and pull of the crowd from rooms and rooms away. The familiar hum gets louder and louder, the signal of the start of the show.  Here is where they should get ready on side stage to come out, hide behind the curtain. They don't. They don't even move. Has it already been an hour already? Tyler wonders wildly. The room fades, the red walls turn grey, the world hums louder and louder and the flies under his skin pulsate like a living mass. Nobody knows it but him. Nobody can feel it, or see it. Josh can only hear the wild pull of the crowd, the source of the buzz, not the effects.

 

Here is where the hum reaches its peak. He hears the notes of fairly local and his vision begins to darken totally. 

 

Within two minutes Josh is standing at the door to the greenroom alone, looking at blank air with tears in his eyes.

 

 

____

 

  


They are still at Schott and have yet to perform a single song together. It’s before the third show when Josh asks.

 

“Can I have a hug?” It comes out, and he’s wearing all of his layers. His red suit with his thin tie and his mask is pushing his hair back. It’s red. Crimson tipped. Tyler plays with his cuffs but nods. They have an hour before the show, before everything goes black. Today is like the last two. Josh will stand and watch Tyler vanish and pretend it's all okay.

 

Tyler nods again and then is wrapped in arms so strong and warm and so real that it makes everything else seem like an illusion. He can't see the skin because material is in the way but he can feel the heat of the body. Not just any body, but Josh's.

 

“It’s been so long.” Josh buries his face into Tyler's neck. Tyler can feel Josh's eyelashes flutter and tickle his bare skin. Nobody in the world hugs like Josh, it's like a fingerprint.

 

“A while yeah.” Tyler chuckles under his breath. “How are we doing this?”

 

“However you want, I have tons of time.” It’s like an inside joke, since they both only know they have this hour. Sixty minutes and it passes in the blink of an eye. Tyler turns from the hug and cakes on his black paint, spreads it between his fingers and he honestly has not done this in so longer this is such a strange thing. He treats it like soap, trying to spread it all over evenly. He’s older now. He cares about consistency.

 

He’s seen pictures. He thought he was making such a different when there were such splotches and missing patches. They both pretend like it will matter that his paint is on. They pretend that Tyler will be able to perform tonight.

 

“I’ve waited for you forever I think.”

 

“Not forever.”

 

“Almost forever. It feels like forever in here. All the time. It doesn’t stop.”

 

“You can’t pause it?”

 

“Not how it works. It’s not bad,  but it'd be better with you.”

 

Tyler smiles as if he understands and in some ways he does. He can't stop time either. He has had to sit and wait for years, watch the world keep spinning and spinning without his say so.  “Maybe one day.” Because he can't make a promise he isn't sure he can keep.

 

The dreaded hum always ends too soon.

 

 

____

 

 

 

The roar is so loud as they slouch in the stairwell where they shouldn’t be. They for sure should not be here. One hundred percent they should not be here.

 

At least they shouldn’t have been.

 

At the Schottenstein Center they were holed up once they started letting people come in. At least that was how it _was_. One person could find them, lead to more. People were like mice. But these people, well Tyler has yet to see them. They are just noise. And inside this Schottenstein Center it’s not at all like the other Schottenstein Center he’s been in. This is like stepping inside a mirror maze, it's endless. It twists and turns and when he thinks he's found a door it's just another mirror. Josh smells like chamomile. The lights are dim inside the stairwell.

 

Inside this Schott, he’s free to roam and the noise is nice and loud as he nears the stage, but he never takes it. Not yet at least. The closest he's come is to stand behind the curtain. He stood there and Josh waited in the wings knowing full well it wasn't time to come out yet. Tyler imagined behind the white sheet he could see the masses but he could only hear them. Tonight they’re in the stairwell for some reason, or another. Maybe just because it’s different from the other places they’ve been. The back hallways, the green room. The stage.

 

It echos inside here. Josh still has red hair. It’s bright and neon and the color of a huge tomato ready to pop under the heat of the sun.

 

“Why red?”

 

“Why not?”

 

“No really.”

 

“Hadn’t done it before.”

 

“I guess so.” Tyler really tries to get a good look at it is as Josh crouches on the landing  between the first and second floor mid squat. Tyler’s never been that into the exercise thing, would rather sit on the step than try to hold himself up. He would rather relax. Josh would rather eat the chocolate and run a lap. Tyler would rather forget the food and sleep for an extra hour instead. In here none of it seem to matter. It doesn't even look like Josh's legs are getting tired.

 

He sips from his Red Bull.

 

“Haven’t seen one of those in so long.” Josh laughs. People are chanting outside, just beyond a wall or two. _T-O-P. T-O-P._ They spell it out and Tyler takes another sip. It tastes so good, he hasn’t allowed himself one in a long time. But now there’s no reason not to.

 

“Yeah, sorry. They just taste so good.” Tyler smiles around the lip of the can and sips. He finds that once the awkward first dates have been over he smiles easily here. Watches Josh smile easily. Watches Josh laugh like he hasn't since the world touring days when they would sneak off to look at landmarks at two am. When they were afraid of people catching them. The bubbles of carbonation tickle his nose. He feels good tonight. Free. He looks at the clock and finds it hasn’t moved at all. They have had to be sitting here a while. Josh notices. Tyler stretches his legs out onto the landing and Josh steadies himself on them, wills himself to his feet. He takes the step forward to turn and sit beside his friend.

 

“Yeah I think it’s almost up.” Josh says from nowhere. The sorrow inside his voice is palpable. It they listen closely they can hear the hum go from its steady pitch to a little louder. The noise acts as a clock when nothing else does.

 

“Think one day we can do something else?” Tyler isn’t even wearing his outfit tonight, just normal clothes. A hoodie, some jeans. Josh is the same, a white tank top and some basketball shorts. Tyler remembers asking Josh when was the last time he played basketball. Josh’s answer was sometime in middle school.

 

“Like what?”

 

“I don’t know, anything.”

 

"Okay, sounds like a date."

 

"I'm planning on it."

 

____

 

 

 

The next time they see each other inside the Schott they buy an Italian ice off someone who looks scarily similar to Josh’s dad. He works a refrigerated cart with every flavor under the sun. Tyler tries not to make it sound weird but he still makes a joke about the man's appearance. 

 

“Sorry about that.” Josh mutters as they take their cups. Nobody has ever played baseball inside the indoor area yet the dessert comes in baseball helmets. Teams neither can place, just ambiguous animal mascots painted on the sides. Josh apologies again.

 

“It’s fine.” Tyler says as he licks a bit of lemon ice off his wooden spoon. It tastes good, amazing even. It tastes exactly like he remembers from when he was little and his grandma would buy it for him.  “Perfect.” He tastes one long shaved strand of zest inside his mouth he swears wasn't there before. He's not complaining though. It all tastes amazing.

 

“Could’ve made it better.” Josh quirks up an eyebrow. Tyler wishes he could see his hair color but he’s wearing a stupid hat. Tyler thinks it still might be red, can almost see a few strands poking out from behind his ears. Can imagine it and thinks that if he really willed it to be a color he could make it turn that color right now.

 

“Already is perfect.” Ty licks his lips. He sucks ice off the wooden spoon and doesn't get a splinter. His fingers never become sticky from holding the helmet. The ice never melts even if it should.

 

“Once you’re here longer we can do stuff.” Josh says without placing options on the table. "Different stuff." It's like he's a teenager on a date the way he skirts around everything.

 

"We're doing stuff now."

 

"I know but you wanted to do something, go somewhere. Do something fun and different."

 

"It's okay." Tyler tries, still wrapped up inside his ice. Josh spoons a bit of cherry off his own and it turns his lips a bright red. Tyler doesn't even mean to, he just leans in and kisses him on his pouting lips. He can taste a hint of cherry. Josh always used to have chapped lips but now they're smooth and silky and bright red.

 

The crowd is chanting, screaming, singing. It’s like they think that screaming the lyrics to Ride they’ll get anyone’s attention. By now it’s just background noise, like a TV turned to static. Now it’s Tyler’s turn to apologize.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“It’s okay.” Josh nods, “one day you’ll be ready.” He turns back to his topic at hand. They walk down a corridor arm in arm.

 

“One day.” Tyler agrees.

 

 

____

 

 

 

Some nights the Schott scares the shit out of Tyler. Some nights he leaves early. Just because he has an hour to kill doesn't mean he does. Some nights Josh is waiting for him somewhere or another and Tyler slips away, see the empty hallways, the echoes, the lack of humanity. Some nights he gets out when he's only been in for seconds. Some nights he never even comes in. Some nights he's afraid he's going to let himself get lost inside the Schott and he'll never be able to get out.

 

“Is it always so...dead?” He has no better word and Josh cringes. He feels bad but can't think of what else to say. Abandoned isn't right because everything is kept up.  Lonely might work but Josh is here, so he isn't actually lonely.

 

“Not really, I thought you'd prefer it that way.”

 

“I mean it's be nice to see somebody around.”

 

They are walking around the underground parking lot for the buses and staff. It's not truly one hundred percent underground but it's enough under the earth that it feels like a cave. Or a tomb. This Tyler doesn't say out loud. They walk without meaning or purpose. The whole place is empty. Maybe empty would have worked, but it's a bit too late now.

 

Josh apologizes again. And again. And again.

 

“I can see you for sixty minutes once a week and you always say sorry so much.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Tyler changes the subject instead. “Do you think we can go someplace different soon?”

 

“Like where?”

 

“Well I thought we had all of Columbus?”

 

“I mean we do.”

 

“So why stay at the Schott?”

 

“It's a good place.” Josh says as a car pulls into the lot. It's silver and has tinted windows but at least it's somebody and Tyler feels a little better. Suddenly there are more cars in parking spots. Tyler nearly bumps into an orange SUV he can swear wasn't there a second ago.

 

“Yeah it is.” Tyler agrees. “But if I can't perform it gets a little stale.”

 

Josh nods, bites his tongue to keep from apologizing. He wants to tell Tyler he can perform any time he wants. He can get on stage right now, but Ty would feel the urge to finish the show, stay past his time limit.

 

“So what color would you rather it be?” Josh asks, out of nowhere. Somebody dressed as security exits the now parked vehicle, walks past the duo and gives them a curt nod. Tyler nods back.

 

“What?” Tyler asks, confused even as the drone wears off inside his mind and upstairs. They are nearing the underneath of the stage, can hear the amount of people mulling around. Stomping. Waiting. They are here for him and he's not anywhere near ready. Do they come here every week. Are they even real? Tyler focuses on the question Josh poses him instead.

 

“My hair, what color do you like?” Josh runs a hand absently through the locks in question. It's barely tinted red. It's more pink now, and that too is familiar.

 

“I liked all the colors.” Tyler smiles, there is a memory for each and every shade. Green was victory, finally having a song played on the radio. Blue was the first award show. Red was a world wide tour. Pink was problems, overly hot summers and cramped bunks on buses. Yellow was the Grammys. Yellow was as big as they could be, sold out, end of an era. Josh tilts his head like a puppy, as if he can understand the thought. “Natural I guess.” Tyler offers a shrug, natural was van days. Curly and wild and plastered to the back of his neck with sweat while they busted ass loading in a piano across the east coast. The color Tyler first saw between his fingers for the first time, the last time. A beginning and an end. Natural is like the first chapter of a novel and the last page of the same book coming to meet itself. Not all memories are good.

 

Another car pulls into a spot and a woman with a yellow apron pops out. She's on the phone and offers a wave as she rushes past them both. She has a name badge and looks nothing like somebody either of them know or ever knew.

 

“People work here?” Tyler asks. Josh nods, then shakes his head. He screws his lips up and raises his shoulders.

 

“It's complicated.” He states, his own wording unsure. “I don't know for sure if they work here or if they're even real. Nobody wants to spend forever scooping ice cream or selling t shirts. “ Tyler can understand that. Why sign up just to work forever? "Money isn't really something here. So I don't know what they would get out of it for working."

 

“So are they like, robots?”

 

“Uh, like think of them as non playable characters in an RPG.” Josh stretches and Tyler can understand that one. "I don't know for sure but that's what I think."

 

“So they're computers.” Tyler asks, mulls it over inside his head. " I mean we're computers.”

 

“No I'm a computer.” Josh looks sad as he says this, and Tyler is sorry he even asked. But the hum gets louder and louder.

 

“Sorry.”

 

“Sorry.”

 

It's like “I love you.” But without all the strings and it will have to do until the next time they meet. 

 

 

 


	2. the City.

 

 

Next week at the same time instead of hearing a buzz immediately he’s greeted by fading daylight.  Its actually sunny, _so_ sunny in fact he's totally confused and he has to squint to see Josh standing in front of him. It takes more time to understand where they are, not inside the Schott but outside totally. He had been told it was possible, but he has no idea how to do it. Josh seems more in control of the situation.   


 

“Hey.” Josh says, coming in for a hug. His hair is red, as if he’s just dyed it for the occasion. It’s a bloody vibrant color that glows with the the rays of the nearing sunset.   


 

Tyler always comes in around eight. It’s summer now, apparently. He has to remind himself that eight pm his time may not be eight pm Josh's time. This whole place is on a different kind of loop so it shouldn't shock him that things may change and not add up. He has read the manual but still finds himself in the dark.   


 

Letting all his odd thoughts leave his mind Tyler gives him a hug, feels the weight and heaviness of the body in his arms. He buries his face into the neck before him. He can never get over the feeling of a hug, something so simple and basic but yet something he's missed so badly the last few years.   


 

“How’s this?” Josh asks, stepping away and letting Tyler look around. They’re at the zoo. The gates are huge, the rides clamor in the background instead of his incessant hum. The world is still bright and beautiful.   


 

“Perfect. I haven’t been here in...a long time.” Tyler tries to think about the many long years that have passed and comes up short. It’s like imagining a wormhole, it just hurts his head. “A really long time.” He sighs and takes a step back. He watches a woman leave with a small child holding a green cup with elephants on it. He can remember the same cup sitting in his mom's kitchen for years after a school trip here.   


 

“Well you coming in? You only have an hour.” Josh smiles and it’s so casual, it’s like this is a normal day, and in some ways it is. 

 

They don’t have to pay, which is just fine. It’s odd and Ty has to keep remembering it’s different here. There are people walking around and nobody stops him. Nobody grabs his arm and makes him take pictures. Nobody screams at him. Nobody asks him to write lyrics or sign a phone case or send a voicemail. Tyler feeds a giraffe carrots from the palm of his hand. They watch a lion lounge on massive rocks trying to soak up the last seconds of the day. Everyone just watches the animals as the light turns from white to red to orange. It fades out and Josh takes him by the hand and leads him to the polar bear, swimming in his enclosure. 

 

“Kinda mean, don’t you think?” Ty asks, his mind lost totally in the moment. Josh looks puzzled for a second. “Locking something wild up like that. I mean, he can’t be happy right? He’s stuck, can’t go where he wants.” Realization hits Tyler like a ton of bricks. “I’m sorry.” 

 

“It’s okay.” Josh says and tries not to sound like it effects him at all, but Tyler knows better. “It’s not like the exact same thing.”   


 

“You never had a choice.” 

 

“I had a choice.” 

 

“You linked in when? At least twenty years ago. You had no idea what was going to happen.” 

 

“It’s fine. I’d rather be here than nowhere.” Josh can’t meet Tyler’s eyes. “It’s not bad. It really isn’t. Maybe if you spent more than one hour here you’d understand.” Josh smiles. "Honestly it's not like a prison or something."  


 

“You know the rules.” Tyler says, his own eyes on the ground, shame floods his face. Sorrow. Depression. Something somewhere begins to smell like lavender. There are some things he hates about Columbus. The aromatherapy that seems catered to mindfucking all your emotions. He feels guilty for even bringing the subject up at all. He should watch his mouth better here.   


 

“Well if you decide I’ll be here.” Josh says, his own nostrils flare. He must be smelling it too which sends Tyler down another guilt trip. Lavender floods his brain. The scent is being pumped from every corner of the world right now.   


 

It’s dark and they stand shoulder to shoulder in the cave with reinforced glass and watch the bear swim with his long confident strokes. 

 

“Maybe we shouldn’t have left the Schott.”

 

“No, we have a lot of places to go.”

 

“In Columbus.” Tyler tacks on like an afterthought. 

 

‘It doesn’t have to be Columbus.” Josh says, a second bear joins the first in the water. The splash each other. They _seem_ happy here, Ty tries to think to himself. Josh seems happy too, but Tyler can only seem him for an hour every week. What happens the rest of the time?   


 

“Okay, but it will still be in Columbus.” Tyler replies. 

 

“I don’t want to fight.” Josh says, he sits on the bench in the middle of the cave. Normally it's busy here, maybe even one of the busiest places in the whole park, but it's just Josh on the bench. It’s quite and it seems like everyone else has left, yet Josh is looking around. He’s seeing something Ty’s not. Even the bears are gone. 

 

Without the buzz and drone it’s terrifying again. As scary as the first time.  He fades out without even saying sorry.

 

 

____  


 

 

 

It’s Valentine’s day and Josh is wearing boxers that have little red hearts on them. Even the band is pink, like his hair. Tyler can’t seem to place where they are exactly, it seems like a hotel but he isn’t sure which. There have to be at least one hundred to pick from. The wallpaper is eggshell colored  with maroon carpeting. The bed is huge.  Outside of Columbus it's August.   


 

“Wasn’t it summer last week?” Ty asks, as he pulls away from Josh’s lips. The lights are dimmed down and the sheets are pulled back on the bed. It seems like roses. They've wasted no time for formalities this week.  Any fear Tyler has of performance anxiety is getting drained away second by second with Josh's skilled hands to help.   


 

“Doesn’t matter.” Comes the breathy reply as Josh fumbles with the buttons on Tyler’s shirt. “Time’s weird here.”  There has never been a more underrated statement. Tyler nods. 

 

Time is weird, but one hour passes all the same. Which Tyler promises between gasps and moans he knows he can make it. He knows he won’t take all precious sixty minutes, but when Josh gets on top of him and slides in as easily as ever he knows it won’t even take ten minutes.  There's no pain, no seconds of discomfort. It's as good as any other time, maybe even better. It's all fluid motions and panting. The only thing that makes him last that long is his own thoughts inside his head.  _ This isn’t your body. Not really .  _ But it feels so good that he can forget. 

 

“That’s okay.” Josh whispers it into Tyler’s open mouth, once he comes with fluttering eyelids “we can have a second round then.”

 

____

 

 

Tyler skips the next three weeks. 

 

 

____

 

 

“Hey.” 

 

“Hey.” 

 

They are sitting at the Roosevelt. There are people mulling around, teenagers making coffees, a middle aged man with a newspaper. It’s dark outside and it smells like cocoa inside. Josh is holding a cup of black coffee, steaming hot and fresh. Tyler doesn’t drink anything.  


 

“Did I fuck that all up?” Josh asks, not missing a beat. “I feel like I fucked that all up.” 

 

“No, you didn’t. It was...good. Really good.” Tyler says, and he means it. Not a single person looks up at them, nobody cares. It makes him feel like he’s inside a bubble. He is in some ways. He's sure he can't see everybody here, and he knows they all can't see him. He's only got a limited subscription for now.   


 

“I just feel like I fucked up. Haven’t seen you around.” Josh says, playing with his long sleeves. He doesn’t meet Ty’s eyes. His hair is bright red.

 

“Do you have to dye that?” Tyler asks, his mouth a little dry. There’s a bottle of water in front of him and he can’t remember getting up to get it. He doesn’t remember anyone bringing it over. It’s just here.   


 

“Uh, no.” Josh says, running his hands through the hair. It stands up all over. Even now it’s dead, stringy. 

 

“Do you just think it over? Make it happen?” 

 

“You don’t have to be an asshole.” 

 

“Sorry.” Ty doesn’t even catch the sarcasm inside his voice sometimes. He thinks of Josh’s pink underwear. “I really was curious.” 

 

“I take a shower every day. I get dressed. It’s just there.”

 

“Could you make it blue right now?” 

 

“Probably. It’d be weird though.” Josh says. His hair stays red, as vibrant as his face. 

 

“Sorry. I’ll drop it now.” 

 

“So was that weird? Really?” Josh asks. “Haven’t seen you in weeks. I feel like you're avoiding me."  

 

Tyler wants to be honest. Wants to tell him this whole situation freaks him the fuck out. Wants to tell him that all of Columbus feels scary and strange and not at all like his home because it is so exactly like his home. Wants to tell Josh that last session was great and amazing and it made Tyler so afraid to come back in because he was afraid he’ll never leave. He wants to tell Josh he still has life left to live but he's finding that's not as much of a valid excuse as his time keeps ticking. Yet every week he's here and Josh looks exactly the same.   


 

“Wasn’t weird, it’s just a me thing.” Ty says uncapping his bottle. Even here, miles away from the Schott he can feel the pull. It’s like a black hole, calling his name and trying to get him to jump in. Tyler is afraid to fall in love with this city all over again. As far as Josh goes that's too late. If he didn't love Josh he wouldn't have ever paid for the equipment setup.   


 

“When are you gonna stay longer? Josh jumps to. Tyler shrugs.

 

“Soon.” 

 

____

 

 

 

They are at a show, having entered mid set. The band is local and unnamed and it reminds them both of how things used to be. It could be anyone. They push until they’re in the very middle of the crowd and then Josh pushes a few inches deeper. 

 

Tyler watches from the outside of a circle pit while Josh moshes like he used to. Before people would stop him. Before he needed service animals for anxiety and pills for depression and security for all the things in between. 

 

When he knows Josh is out of earshot and would never in a million years be able to hear him he mouths the words, whispering them to life only where they can’t take root.

 

“Why’d you have to leave me alone.”

 

____

 

 

It’s cold, winter is back in the air in a second.  Tyler stands with Josh at his side just outside the doors to a club. In Tyler’s Columbus it’s been abandoned for years now, but here it’s the place to be. Music is thrumming from inside and there’s a full neon lit arcade. People come and go and never even look at them  twice. Nobody is wearing the same type of clothes you'd assume.  Josh stands pressing his back against the brick behind him and sucks on the end of a joint. He offers it to Ty who takes it and inhales. He doesn’t even feel slightly high. Josh blows a smoke ring that turns into a heart. They both laugh as Tyler brings his hands up to clear the air. He passes it back and watches the world. The chill doesn’t touch each other them as they watch snow gather around the tires of parked cars. Everything is muffled the way it should be in the middle of a snow storm.   


 

"Wasn't it summer last week?" 

 

“You gonna stay?” Josh asks, after a long exhale, smoke gathering in the air around them. It tastes icy. He already knows the answer so he tries not to sound needy. 

 

“Can’t tonight.” Tyler says. Josh twists his fingers against each other, painted white nails chipped to look perfectly carefree. Just because he knows the answer doesn’t mean it hurts less. 

 

“I know.” Josh whispers almost to himself. 

 

“Soon.” 

 

“‘Allright.” Josh agrees. They watch a couple across the street duck into a dinner, the lights warm and welcoming. They head back into the club. 

 

____

 

 

“What’s one thing you wished I said, before?” They stand at the backdoor to the Schott, not daring to go inside, scarfing down tacos. A truck parked the block down the street. Fall is in the air. Time is going backwards. Neither of them were hungry, but the food smelled good enough. Now that they have them in their hands they are ravenous. 

 

“Wished we coulda got married. I guess.” Josh licks salsa from his fingertips. “It’s stupid.” 

 

“Would you?” Tyler asks, his own fingers working a piece of renegade lettuce from between his front teeth. 

 

“Huh?”

 

“Marry me?” 

 

“Now?” Josh chews loudly, a piece of shell crunching between his molars. 

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Only if you stay.” 

 

“When I stay you’ll do it?” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.” 

 

____

 

 

“Can you change?” It’s cool, the flowers just beginning to bloom in the cracks on the sidewalk Tyler is sitting on. Josh lays in the very center of the street and watches the stars. 

 

“Change?” 

 

“You always look like how you are in my head. When I think about you.” 

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“When somebody says a person’s name you think of them in one moment. You can draw a perfect picture of them at one point in time and it can change but there’s always this first thing that pops into your head.”

 

“Huh.” Josh says, his nails dig into the asphalt. “How do you think about me?” 

 

“Like how you are now.” 

 

Josh laughs and it’s an ugly sound, it’s a frustrated laugh. All night he’s been running low and this isn't helping. Tyler crawls onto the road from the sidewalk. It's a main road but there are no cars.   


 

“I think of you that night at Red Rocks. In 2016 I think.” Tyler starts. “It was so hot. I was dying and I know you were too. And the sweat was dripping off you, it was right before Goner. Your eyes were so red and your hair and your face. You were just glowing red.” Josh’s next laugh isn’t as ugly. "I think you had a sunburn. I think you had a sunburn all summer that year." Tyler thinks about rubbing aloe between Josh's blistering shoulder blades and scolding him about skin cancer. He remembers finding long transparent strips of skin left on the floor of the tour bus.   


 

“Okay, so how do you want me to be? If this is what you think I am.” 

 

“I don’t know, before. After. Time kept going you know.” Another ugly laugh. 

 

“Time did, I didn’t.” Josh says, his eyes squinting up at the stars. 

 

“Stop saying that.” 

 

“It’s true.” 

 

For the last ten minutes nobody says a word. 

 

____

 

 

“Missed you last week.” Josh says. They’re at a bar where Josh’s sister used to do open mics all the time. Josh looks weird, he’s wearing a heather grey sweatshirt and plain jeans. The music is ultra modern. Nothing fits the vibe of the bar. Tyler is wearing his concert getup because he didn't know what else to wear today. It's just what he pictured.   


 

“Miss you too.” 

 

‘Something wrong?” 

 

“Just sorting things out.” Tyler says, they stand by the bar, drinking milkshakes out of long curly straws, people don’t even notice them. Rules don’t apply to them. 

 

Rules don’t apply _here_. The more Tyler visits the more he likes that. What scared him lessens every visit. This is a perfect place for Josh, it’s full of nonsensical magic. And if it's the perfect place for Josh it might be a perfect place for him. The longer away from the dangerous pull of the Schott the more likely he finds himself willing to go back. Put on a show.   


 

Tyler doesn’t say much after that and he still leaves within his sixty minutes.  Josh is beginning to understand what he meant though. Once Tyler is gone Josh stands at the bar, sipping a strawberry milk shake and smiling to himself.  


 

____

 

 

“Are you ready to load in?” Josh asks and Tyler for a second needs to take a second then third look. It’s not red headed Josh with his red makeup. It's not the Josh he thinks of first when somebody mentions his name. This is 2014 Josh.  This is green hair standing up all over with it’s dead ends. His eyes look tired. He’s wearing an Underoath shirt and sweating over his drum kit. Tyler’s piano is wedged halfway between the U haul and the ramp. 

 

“Did, did you do that?” Is all he can manage to ask because he’s not sure what else there is. Time is different here. It was winter then fall then summer and spring. It can be Valentines day today and Halloween tomorrow and the 4th of July the next day and yet he never expected this. It's like stepping into a time machine. Josh flashes a knowing smile.   


 

“Yeah, I did.” 

 

His arms look almost bare. He’s as skinny as he’s ever been in his whole life. His eyes are just narrow slits in his face as he strains behind the piano, attempting to push it himself. 

 

“Stop, stop, stop.” Tyler says, feeling every birthday he’s ever had in his whole life inside his bones, simulated or not. Josh looks scared. “Come in the van.” 

 

It’s grey on the outside and the seats smell like old pepperoni pizza.  Ten half filled water bottles roll around on the floor of the van. A half eaten bag of Doritos sits besides his pillow. The trunk is a bed. Tyler pushes Josh down onto the sheets. Inside of his chest he feels something akin to joy.   


 

“Oh.” Josh smiles. “Okay.” 

 

“I’ve missed this so much.”  Tyler’s mouth is greedy while it leaves red, wet marks across the scrawny neck below him. Josh doesn’t smell like oils or flowers. He smells like Josh, like sweat and cologne he got from his brother.  He smells like the kind of laundry soap  you get in single use packages. He smells like hair dye and stolen motel shampoo.   


 

“I missed you too, it’s been a long week.” Josh sighs into the sensation, he feels Ty’s fingers pulling at his shirt. They struggle inside the van, long out of practice. It makes them both feel like children but it's fun. Way too much fun for adults to have.  


 

Josh laughs when Tyler smashes his head against the roof, and Tyler can’t help but smile when Josh’s underwear get stuck around the seat belt.

 

It's the best night they've ever spent together inside Columbus, so they forget about the time limit and it isn’t until Josh is sitting alone in the car, completely naked and oddly unfulfilled that he feels the world is cheating him. 

  
  



	3. the End

 

“This isn’t real.” 

 

Josh’s hands feel real. They look real. They look _exactly_ how they should look, all the right scars. The right jagged nails. Josh stands silently, his hair now a dark natural shade but looking older than the last time Ty’s seen him.  All the years sort of run in a huge blur when you try to hold all the good moments together. It’s like sand slipping between fingers, fingers that _are not real._ Not at all, but look it. 

 

“You aren’t real.” Ty says and Josh is just taking it all. He’s not even opening his mouth. The buzz is always there and they aren't even anywhere. It’s a computer glitch, just like all of this. Josh looks real. He feels real. He sounds real when he talks. He acts just like Josh would. He drinks black coffee and loves animals and trusts people a little too much. 

 

It  _could _ be Josh but it isn’t Josh. Because Josh is dead. Josh has been dead for a long time. Time just keeps going on and it doesn’t make anything better or different. It all hurts the same every time he comes in. 

 

“Nothing is gonna bring him back.”

 

“Me. It’s me you're talking about.” 

 

“It’s not you.” Everything about this is fake. This isn’t really Columbus. This isn’t really Josh. This isn’t really even Tyler. It’s all fake and the tears, those seem real too. They feel real. Everything about this feels too painfully real. He wants to scream and he knows it doesn’t matter because it’s like playing the Sims. 

 

“It is me.” 

 

“You’re dead.”

 

“I’m here. I just...moved.”  Josh persists, his own words shaking and dangerously low. Ty can remember a time when Josh thought he was just a computer and how he had to tell him he was more than that. Everything is all flipped. It’s wrong. Age has opened his eyes. 

 

“Josh is dead. If you were him you’d be about eighty now. I haven’t been to Columbus in years. I don’t look like this.” Tyler waves his arms wildly. “I haven’t looked like this in years.” 

 

“What happened, why did you leave?” It’s only Josh who can pick that out of such a overstuffed sentence and it makes Tyler laugh, even with his eyes squinting. 

 

“I just couldn’t stay. I just couldn’t...live there and see everybody and see everything. I couldn’t drive by the Basement. I couldn’t go to a concert. I couldn’t listen to music. I couldn’t touch any instruments. I couldn’t eat or sleep. There was nothing you weren’t attached to.”

 

“You stopped music?” 

 

Again, only Josh. 

 

“I never played anything again. I didn’t sing.” 

 

“How?” 

 

“How could I? You were gone.”

 

“There was a band before me.”

 

“But there wasn’t one after.” 

 

Everything stops. They’re not in a black hole, they’re in Josh’s mom’s basement. Tyler can tell by the smell of worn leather, cool air, and Bill trying to hide his cigars. It always smelled right like what a house should smell like. Tyler’s family’s home always smelled artificial. Too many kids with too much sweat so they Febreezed all the way. It’s been such a long time since Ty thought of it. It tears into his heart in a weird way that makes him again want to scream. It makes him angry that this place exists. Makes him upset and nostalgic and feel like he wants to mourn for things that have been dead for years. He hasn’t even plugged into Columbus in a while. 

 

“Why are we here?” He asks instead.

 

“I don’t know, it’s just where I was.” 

 

“Are your parents here?”

 

“No.” Josh says, looking down at his feet. “They were never linked in. You know my story. You know that.” 

 

Tyler did. Josh got a link in an email from an ex about a fun website.  _ Do you remember those chatting sites were you made a little person? _

 

But it wasn’t exactly the same. As tech advanced so did the site. Until now there was this. Ashley was the reason why Josh even got the final link in. He had already been gone for almost a year, but Ash had kept his computer and his phone and all his stuff all locked up tight in a storage locker she paid good money for every month. When she couldn’t afford it anymore Tyler paid and just never told Jenna about it. Not that she would care, she understood. It was a complex kind of thing that had a lot of complex fall out. Josh was like a bomb and when he exploded Ty was damaged the most for being at ground zero.   


 

So with the greatest update of all, to finally be fully linked in you would become the avatar. It would take you, everything that made you - you and create you again. 

 

“But you’re not you.” Tyler said again, his head moving involuntarily from side to side. 

 

“I’m as me as I’ve ever been.” Josh tried, again. “Ask me something, anything.” 

 

Tyler didn’t want to play, didn’t want 20 questions. This was, in a way, Josh. It just wasn’t the real one. Explaining the point any further seems moot. 

 

“Why did you even come back here?”

 

“Jenna said I should try.” 

 

“How is she doing?” Josh asked, and Ty thinks of his wife; the woman who has been beside him for decades now. He thinks of how she looked the last time Josh must have seen her. Almost 30 and still beautiful, her hair probably tied up in a ponytail and a smile on her face. Sunlight in her hair. It had to be coming off a tour, last stop was Greenland and it was frozen. They all had a picnic on an ice covered pond in the middle of the afternoon and Jenna tossed fat purple grapes one by one into Josh’s open mouth. Tyler laughed when they rolled out and down his chin. That was love. Those two people with white teeth and bright eyes and lungs filled to the brim with laughter that spilled out all the time. The feeling of two different sets of lips that were both magical in their own way.  

 

He thought of Jenna now, at home with her hands slightly shaking. Tyler had caved and let her get the dog she had always wanted; an angry little pug named Brooklyn. She was nearly blind in her left eye. She always mixed up salt and sugar while baking anymore, Tyler just ate the cookies and pretended he didn’t mind. 

 

“She’s good. She’s Jenna.” Josh laughed, understanding what he meant. How could he. He’d never seen  _ this  _ woman, who with her thinned grey hair always pulled back in her high ponytail was just as beautiful but very different. Her laugh sounded the same but her face had changed, too much had happened in a long lifetime. “I think I need to go.” 

 

“Wait…”Josh started, then without any other words stopped shutting his mouth. 

 

“How is it in here while I’m gone?” 

 

“Different and the same. It’s like living your life all over again and doing all the best parts when you want.” It sounded like a bribe, a parent offering candy to an unruly child. It was filled with the unsung promise of  _ please, please, please . _ “You can do things you never got to do. I mean there are some limits but you can pick any time, anything. Go anywhere.” 

 

“Do you play shows?”  

 

“I don’t. No.” Josh answered after a few silent minutes. 

 

“Why?”

 

“There’s no band without you. But I promise there are people waiting for us.” 

 

“I’m sure they are.” And Tyler did feel it. There was a desire to stay and play and fall back into his life just like it always had been before everything had gone horribly wrong.  Before the whole operation had gone tits up and he was floundering in the water without a life preserver. 

 

“One day we’ll put on a show. I just know it.” 

 

“Is it so bad? In here.”

 

“Only sometimes. Sometimes I miss people I can’t see...but I guess it’s not different from them being dead. My mom’s not linked in. Or my dad. Ashley linked but she’s like you. Only visiting, isn’t sure if she wants to stay. Jordan’s popped in a few times. Abby came by once, cried the whole time. Said it isn’t natural.” Josh looks off towards something that seems to be far off but Ty can’t see. “It’s not very natural, I’ll give her that.”  His voice sounds like TV static and for the first time in a long time it makes Ty very uncomfortable. He misses Josh with his whole heart but he’s afraid. 

 

“I have to go.” Tyler says again. 

 

Josh  _ wants  _  to ask if Tyler will come back again. One more time or maybe never. He’s afraid too though. Maybe he can just pretend. 

  
  
  
  
  


____

  
  


It’s a weird feeling, to be back as himself. Inside Columbus its different. He’s a different version of himself, not the old tired man who’s seen too much happen to people he’s loved. Who has attended too many funerals. Wore the same sad suit more and more frequently.  Inside it’s all different. His hands are still young, his face is less worn, his body doesn’t ache at all. 

 

Jenna used to hug him but now it’s too hard on her back to jump right up, so she flashes a knowing smile while the nurse unhooks the cord from the back of Ty’s neck. He remembers watching the Matrix. This nurse has probably never even heard of the movie. 

 

“How was it?” She pets Brooklyn  who sits on her lap, drool pooling in the folds of her skirt. 

 

“The same as always.”  He shakes his head. It’s hard to hear and he struggles with it, but knows she asks the same thing every week. Every single week when Tyler has made an appointment  she comes and sits and pretends to read or tries to watch a program on the projection or sleeps. When Ty comes back she smiles and asks the same question and Tyler gives her the same answer he has had for the past ten years.  

 

“When are you going to stay in there?” There’s a laughter in her voice that has never left. Not through hardships and deaths and long nights alone when Tyler couldn’t even move from his bed. When she would stay awake in the kitchen and bake to hide the fact that she in her huge shared house was really alone.

 

Tyler stays quiet. 

  
  
  


____

 

  
  


  
“She had a stroke.” Tyler says to twenty year old Josh, with his silly lip ring and his too tight pants.  It seems inappropriate.

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

“They say she can hear me. She blinks, her eyes move a little. She can’t talk or move.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Again. The dead speaking for the vegetative.  It’s a new kind of nightmare, but maybe it doesn’t have to be. 

 

“I love you. I love her.” Tyler says. Age has made these words easier to pass through his lips that are far less chapped. He feels all of the years he’s been alive inside of his too young body. His brain holds knowledge that weighs him down and frees him at the same time. 

 

“Would they even let you do that?” 

 

“If I sign all the right paperwork they will have to.”  It’s silent again. “I’m her POA. With her...like she is I’m my own POA.”

 

Josh looks down, he nods his head in agreement before he speaks again. “You have to be sure. You have a choice. We don’t. Not anymore.” 

 

“There’s nothing for me. What I need is here, in Columbus.”

 

____

 

  
  


The pond is covered in a thick layer of ice, yet it isn’t as cold as it looks. Somehow it never really is here. It’s always the perfect kind of temperature. It’s always the perfect kind of day, even when it rains and snows and sleets. Right now it’s clear and crisp and the air smells clean. 

 

“I missed you, so much.” Jenna’s voice is high and filled to the brim with laughter that she can’t help but spill out.  It bubbles, she bubbles just like she should. 

 

“I missed you.” 

 

“No, I really missed you. I missed talking to you.” She is beautiful, her hair is long and thick and as bright as the sun.  Her eyes glow with a youth that never left her but finally matches her face again. Her lips part to reveal a slice of orange in front of her teeth. It all feels real. It is real, finally. 

 

“Hate to interrupt the moment but I missed you both too.” Josh buts into the conversation and Jenna laughs again.  It flows, all of it like a river down a mountain. 

 

Age is like that, once you start you can never stop until there is nowhere else to go. 

 

Except in. 

 

Jenna tosses a fat grape into Josh’s mouth and it rolls around his open jaw and falls out before he can close his mouth. He wrinkles up his nose and twists his head to the side. They all laugh, Josh picks up the fruit and tosses it at Tyler’s face and it finds a home inside his mouth. 

 

It’s perfect. 

  
  


____

  
  


“You ready?”

 

The music shakes the ground under his feet. The base is too loud and he hasn’t heard it in so long he’s just a little scared. Terrified would be a better word. 

 

Josh grabs his hand and squeezes gently, and it’s just like nothing has changed at all.  He plants such a quick fast kiss on Tyler’s closed lips that it’s like it never happened - but it did and it makes this all seem so much more familiar. The crowd screams and the buzz doesn’t fade out. It doesn’t change. It doesn’t do anything but stay still and vibrate the air around them and finally inside of them as they both take the final few steps. 

 

“Of course.” Tyler says, and together they take the stage. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is nothing at all like what my original ending was going to be, but this is what it turned into. Sorry it took so long!


End file.
